IF it weren't for the '80s Village Voice, I probably would not be a journalist. (The world, I expect, would be a better place.)
This weekend I have a story in Al Jazeera America about good times and bad for alternative weeklies. I talk about the crystalline sense of mission these publications had during conservative times, and the troubles they've had more recently. And I try to shine a light on the good and important work they still do.
In the piece I get into my youthful infatuation with the alt-press -- I interned at the Voice, freelanced for the now-defunct Boston Phoenix soon after leaving college, later worked for New Times Los Angeles. As nasty as that company could be, we had a blast there, some of the time, and I'm still proud of the work my colleagues and I did there. (Even if New Times responded by killing the paper and destroying its online archive.) Where is the alt press now?
And I try to sketch out what various weeklies have meant to the city of Los Angeles, which remains the Misread City.
Happy holidays to all my readers.
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Richard Rodriguez on Religion, Atheism and Politics
SOMETIMES I wonder why the words -- especially the personal essays -- of Richard Rodriguez hit me so directly. He is a gay Latino born in the '40s, a devout if conflicted Catholic, and on many issues a political or social conservative. My origins and allegiances are very different and coincide with none of those categories (I have long thought of myself, for instance, as a Protestant agnostic on religious matters.)
Part of my connection to Rodriguez's work, I think, is that he writes so well about California, a major concern for The Misread City. But mainly, our mismatched alliance comes simply from the power of great writing, and deep thinking. I'm always curious what he has to say, even when we (frequently) disagree.
His elegant new book Darling is on religion after 9/11, and it's his first in a decade. It's my favorite work of his going back even longer.
Here is my Salon interview with Richard Rodriguez.
Part of my connection to Rodriguez's work, I think, is that he writes so well about California, a major concern for The Misread City. But mainly, our mismatched alliance comes simply from the power of great writing, and deep thinking. I'm always curious what he has to say, even when we (frequently) disagree.
His elegant new book Darling is on religion after 9/11, and it's his first in a decade. It's my favorite work of his going back even longer.
Here is my Salon interview with Richard Rodriguez.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Dave Allen on Rock Music and the Internet
RECENTLY I've been corresponding with Dave Allen, bassist for the British post-punk group Gang of Four. His ideas on digital culture -- mostly strongly opposed to those of David Lowery and David Byrne -- are as forceful as his bass playing on Entertainment!
I'll point out that I disagree with Mr. Allen on much of what he says; I'm less optimistic that the new system will work out for musicians (and I have seen from quite a close perspective how it works out for most journalists.)
For example, he argues that there has been no golden age for musicians, that making a living has always been hard, and so on. Well, of course, that's all literally true, but just because a system was not perfect does not mean it has not gotten substantially worse.
I could argue to anyone who tells me, say, that Congress has run aground that we've always had conflicts in Washington, going back to the 18th century, and that Ted Cruz is just a latter-day version of whoever... Same with arguments about income inequality, or anything that matters. This argument does not help clarify where we are at present: You do not have to acknowledge the existence of a golden age to want things to be better or to resist and criticize the way they have gone.
I could argue to anyone who tells me, say, that Congress has run aground that we've always had conflicts in Washington, going back to the 18th century, and that Ted Cruz is just a latter-day version of whoever... Same with arguments about income inequality, or anything that matters. This argument does not help clarify where we are at present: You do not have to acknowledge the existence of a golden age to want things to be better or to resist and criticize the way they have gone.
But Allen's an extremely sharp guy, a lively writer, and he deserves to be heard. Here's our Salon conversation.
Returning to Charlie Haden, Jazz and Transcendence
TODAY I have been trying to move on to other things, but
can’t get the memory of last night’s Charlie Haden/ Liberation Music Orchestra
concert out of my mind. There are too many things to contemplate here, but let
me offer a few stray thoughts.
Overall: While this night was by no means perfect – there
were minor technical problems early on, the musician most of us had come to see
was in such poor health he only played one song, there was a point or two where
I was not sure ANYONE was going to play anything – it was also as powerful a
jazz show as I’ve seen in almost 25 years of eagerly attending them.
The concert, which included only a few pieces, including a
long “America” medley accidentally chopped into two pieces, offered great
songs, great solos, and perhaps the finest arrangements I have ever seen at a
jazz show. (These, with a full range of horns, were by Carla Bley, who sadly
did not attend.) It was a show in which almost every note was played by someone
you’d never heard of – the group was made up of students and alums from the jazz
program Haden founded at CalArts – but nearly all of his was moving and
persuasive. Some of it truly kicked ass.
Soon after I moved to Los Angeles in 1997, I attended a show
at the old Jazz Bakery. I’m not sure who the artist was, maybe Brad Mehldau. In
any case, I saw Haden casually standing around the audience that night and
thought, Wow, I have really arrived at a major cultural center. (I was too
cowed to introduce myself.) My friend the jazz critic Ted Gioia had a similar
experience a few decades before. “I still recall the first time I heard him, when I was a college
freshman,” Ted told me. “He was playing with Keith Jarrett at Oakland's
Paramount Theater. I thought then (and still believe it): Haden has the
most beautiful bass tone in the history of jazz.”
It’s impossible, of course, to separate musical performances
from the circumstances around them, and that goes double for last night’s gig.
Live shows are always “you had to be there” events; this sense of the fleeting
moment is amplified when you have a major artist who we may never see perform
again, as may be the case with Haden. When I said as much yesterday, he tweeted
back, Thanks 4 the nod Scott,but I'm gonna make sure it's not my last hurrah
but another hurrah in a long life! Hope u'll b there. Of course, this is
a prediction about which I will very happily be proven wrong. But Haden’s
health problems – a return of his childhood polio – are serious. (He has
neither performed live nor eaten solid food in two years, I think.)
Haden came out at the beginning of the show, along with his
young group. There was a bit of fussing with mic placement and other things.
His cherubic smile is still there, and his storytelling is undiminished. (I
meant this both to his anecdotes and his ability to “tell my story,” as he
described it, on his double bass.) He walks with a cane, conducted the pieces
rather than played them, and seemed to lose his place while speaking a few
times. Nonetheless, we got a sense of a very strong personality, and someone
whose love of music burns as strong as ever. He spoke about his friendship with
Scott LaFaro, the Bill Evans Trio bassist who died very young in a car accident
(one of very few bassists whose solos could be as lyrical as Haden’s) and Jim
Hall, the graceful and understated guitarist who had died earlier in the day,
and the difficulty of making sense of death. He also described his condition a
bit, offering “Fuck polio!”
Chris Barton of the LA Times wrote in his review that it was "a night so fraught with the shadow of that unwelcome guest artist who can sit in at any moment: Time."
Chris Barton of the LA Times wrote in his review that it was "a night so fraught with the shadow of that unwelcome guest artist who can sit in at any moment: Time."
There is another aspect to the legacy of Charlie Haden: When he
moved out to Los Angeles in the 1950s to seek out the jazz pianist Hampton
Hawes, he made a permanent difference in the musical life of this city. CalArts
jazz program is part of it. But the whole Haden clan adds up to about as
substantial a musical family as we’ve ever seen. Haden’s kids – Rachel, Tanya,
Petra and Josh – have, between them been part of That Dog, The Decemberists,
the Rentals, Spain, and a good number of solo projects. (There are probably
only a handful of us who listen with equal ardor to Haden’s playing with
Ornette Coleman, Petra’s all-vocal reimagining of the early Who, Josh’s “slowcore”
band Spain, and so on, but I am glad to have them all part of Southland musical
life. Let me add: Spain, which recently reformed, shows how the aesthetics of
jazz and a certain kind of nuanced, VU-ish rock can be combined in a way far
richer than most over-emphatic, jive-ass fusion: They remain gripping and majorly
underrated.)
The night, in short, left me feeling that jazz has a future, a subject I go back and forth on. The Liberation Music Orchestra organized for the show should
stay together and, if possible, tour. Any kind of big band, perhaps especially
an unconventional one, is hard to sustain economically. The show also reminded
me how conducive a space to acoustic jazz REDCAT can be – with great acoustics
and 230 or so seats, it’s the perfect size. The numbers are hard when you have
a dozen or so people onstage and only a few hundred in the audience. But
musically it was pure heaven.
The concert opened with the anthem of the African National
Congress (in honor of Mandela), included the Bowie/Metheny “This is Not America”
(which has never sounded so good), Coleman’s “Skies of America,” “Amazing
Grace,” and closed with an encore of the Miles/Evans tune “Blue in Green.” For
the final tune, Haden picked up his bass – we’d been told not to expect this –
and played as deep and soulful a bass part as I can imagine. Despite being
physically rickety, the music is still coursing through him and seemed to give
him new strength.
Despite having listened to many Haden performances from the last
half-century, and having seen him play a bunch of times, I don’t think I’ve
ever heard him speak. Given my genial image of him, it was startling to hear
his political rants – he’s a longtime lefty and anti-racist -- onstage anecdotes
and thoughts on nature and music: He came across like a ‘50s Beat crossed with
an ornery mountain man, appropriately enough for a guy from the Ozarks. His
vocal chords are paralyzed, so at times it was hard to make out what he was
saying, but I hope Haden has been taking notes on his life and music. There is
clearly much fight left in this country boy.
Let me close with a rant of my own, or rather, by an art critic
I admire. Jed Perl’s recent piece in The New Republic describes a process that
is reshaping the world of visual art, or at least, its meaning during the
market boom. It is not the neglect of the art, but rather the wrong kind of
attention. As he writes:
Among the most
revolting sports favored by the super-rich is the devaluation of any reasonable
sense of value. At Christie’s and Sotheby’s some of the wealthiest members of
society, the people who can’t believe in anything until it’s been monetized,
are trashing one of our last hopes for transcendence. They don’t know the
difference between avidity and avarice. Why drink an excellent $30 or $50
bottle of wine when you can pour a $500 or $1000 bottle down your throat? Why
buy a magnificent $20,000 or $1 million painting when you can spend $50 or $100
million and really impress friends and enemies alike?
I think Perl is right, by the way, and my book, Creative Destruction, which comes out
next year, concerns itself with some of these matters. And it’s not just the
plutocracy: The cultural left, which is where I usually find myself, has run
down the possibility of the arts as a holy space at least as far back as Warhol
and Derrida. The irrelevance or “complicity” of culture has become an
unexpected spot where right and left often meet.
But I must also add: Whether this is the last time any of us see
Charlie Haden pick up the bass, or if he plays for another decade, and whatever
the concert’s little rough spots, last night was quite clearly -- for many of
us assembled -- a night of transcendence achieved.
(Photo credits: First by Steve Hochman, others by Steve Gunther, all REDCAT 10 December 2013)
Monday, December 9, 2013
Celebrating Charlie Haden
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TUESDAY night in Los Angeles will see both a celebratory and
a sad occasion: The jazz titan Charlie Haden – the lyrical bass player,
free-jazz pioneer, crucial collaborator to Ornette Coleman and others, father
to a four Los Angeles indie rockers, founder of CalArts jazz program – will
lead his Liberation Music Orchestra at REDCAT. It has special music since this
group – which Haden began in 1969 – was dedicated to music of the Spanish Civil
War, Latin American independence and South Africa’s fight for justice. The
REDCAT show’s arrangements were made by the jazz composer Carla Bley, who
played a major role in the original group.
The bad news is that this may be the last-ever public
appearance by Haden, whohas been very sick. He will pay with the group if he is physically able, but he
may simply appear for a last hurrah from the Southland’s jazz community.
I’ve been listening to Haden – first, I think, on Coleman’s
Change of the Century, then on dates he led, like his Quartet West LPs and his
Montreal dates – since I got into jazz two decades ago. He’s collaborated with
more of my favorite artists – Keith Jarrett, Brad Mehldau, Paul Motian, Lee
Konitz, Hank Jones, Kenny Barron, many others – than just about anyone I can
think of. He’s taught a number of young musicians I know and admire, and the
Haden triplets and Josh Haden (leader of the ethereal band Spain) are among the
cream of LA’s rock subculture.
Haden, who grew up in a country-music family in the Ozark
Mountains, and whose basslines still offer songlike lines and a country twang,
contracted polio as a teenager, and he is now suffering, in his 70s, from
post-polio syndrome.
At this point, it’s hard for me to contemplate the Southland
jazzworld without Charlie Haden. So I won’t. I urge everyone who loves Haden’s
music, and the numerous traditions that intersect in his work and life, to come
out to REDCAT tomorrow and blow the roof off the place.
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Print, Online and the Creative Class
TODAY I have another piece in Salon, this one about
the folding of New York magazine into a biweekly, and the resulting
conversation about where the media is (and isn't going.) HERE it is.
People trying to be "counterintuitive"
are framing this as a win for journalists and journalism, since more people
will read New York related copy on the blogs (some of which are quite
good.) It's like saying musicians -- or music -- are thriving because
more people listen to their songs on Spotify than ever did in the old record
label-and-album model.
If you work in journalism, or the media business, you
know that the phrase, "we've moving online" is typically a code word
for de-professionalization -- something the creative class has gotten awfully
familiar with. David Carr in the New York Times had the right take, I think.
The magazine also plans to bulk up its print
publication with more fashion and luxury coverage, at a time when most
Americans – among them, the new mayor tells us, a lot of New Yorkers --
continue to emerge only gradually from the Great Recession. (The Bloomberg
operation will reportedly cover the arts, despite firing its arts staff, as a
subset of luxury.)
New York magazine – which has always combined the smartly serious with conspicuous consumerism, Frank Rich alongside frivolity – is not the only publication that is upping its fashion and luxury “content.” The way high-end fashion coverage, celebrity-worship and house porn continues to replicate in magazines three decades into flat middle-class wages is a paradox a greater critic than I will have to tackle. But whatever is driving this, it’s not something most Americans should celebrate, especially journalists, who increasingly toil to remain in the middle-class instead of buying $50,000 watches.
New York magazine – which has always combined the smartly serious with conspicuous consumerism, Frank Rich alongside frivolity – is not the only publication that is upping its fashion and luxury “content.” The way high-end fashion coverage, celebrity-worship and house porn continues to replicate in magazines three decades into flat middle-class wages is a paradox a greater critic than I will have to tackle. But whatever is driving this, it’s not something most Americans should celebrate, especially journalists, who increasingly toil to remain in the middle-class instead of buying $50,000 watches.
Like the David Lowery piece that ran yesterday, this gets into stuff I
investigate deeper in my book Creative Destruction, which comes out next year.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
David Lowery vs. Silicon Valley
CAMPER Van Beethoven's singer David Lowery has become the most ornery of those fighting for musician's rights. He's erupted over piracy, Spotify, lyric websites, and the battle between the surviving Beastie Boys (with the ghost of Adam Yauch) and GoldieBlox.
I speak to him for Salon here.
He makes a pretty good case for what's wrong with Silicon Valley techno-utopianism, which leaves artists out of the revenue stream.
(Lowery and his argument also make an appearance in my book Creative Destruction, which comes out next year.)
I speak to him for Salon here.
He makes a pretty good case for what's wrong with Silicon Valley techno-utopianism, which leaves artists out of the revenue stream.
(Lowery and his argument also make an appearance in my book Creative Destruction, which comes out next year.)
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Cheering George Packer's "The Unwinding"
LORD know this book does not need any more praise, but I want to wave the tattered American flag for George Packer's The Unwinding, which just won the National Book Award. The book is not perfect -- more on that in a minute -- but it is lyrical, powerfully reported, passionately written, and lives up to its subtitle: "An Inner History of the New America."
As research for my own Creative Destruction, I've spent the last year or two reading numerous books of social criticism, going back to the mid-century American generation of Vance Packard, and up through Barbara Ehrenreich and others, and this book makes an excellent extension of that tradition. (It is also self-consciously in the oft-overlooked tradition of Dos Passos's U.S.A. trilogy.)
Dwight Garner, in the New York Times, wrote about the potentially unwieldy number of piece that make up The Unwinding, some of which originated in The New Yorker. Here's Garner:
+++
Postscript: As a reader, and an Angeleno, I am disappointed that Rachel Kushner's The Flame Throwers, a captivating novel about the New York art scene and '70s Italy, did not take the fiction prize. Both of Rachel's novels (The Other is Telex From Cuba) have been greeted with great acclaim (I am lucky enough to have written about both of them), she is as sharp a person as we know, and here at The Misread City we are confident that she will live to write and fight again.
As research for my own Creative Destruction, I've spent the last year or two reading numerous books of social criticism, going back to the mid-century American generation of Vance Packard, and up through Barbara Ehrenreich and others, and this book makes an excellent extension of that tradition. (It is also self-consciously in the oft-overlooked tradition of Dos Passos's U.S.A. trilogy.)
Dwight Garner, in the New York Times, wrote about the potentially unwieldy number of piece that make up The Unwinding, some of which originated in The New Yorker. Here's Garner:
It is Mr. Packer’s achievement in “The Unwinding” that these pieces, freshly shuffled and assembled, have speed and power to burn. This book hums — with sorrow, with outrage and with compassion for those who are caught in the gears of America’s increasingly complicated (and increasingly poorly calibrated) financial machinery.
The larger discussion of the book hinges not on its skillful portraits of Florida real-estate busts, political life in Washington, Silicon Valley libertarians, or sketches of Newt Gingrich and Oprah Winfrey (who turn out to the the same person), but on its big picture -- or lack thereof. Here's David Brooks:
When John Dos Passos wrote the “U.S.A.” trilogy, the left had Marxism. It had a rigorous intellectual structure that provided an undergirding theory of society — how social change happens, which forces matter and which don’t, how society works and who causes it not to work. Dos Passos’ literary approach could rely on that structure, fleshing it out with story and prose. The left no longer has Marxism or any other coherent intellectual structure. Packer’s work has no rigorous foundation to rely on, no ideology to give it organization and shape.
Brooks, with whom I sometimes disagree, is onto something here, and several of my friends on the left have expressed similar reservations. Why is it that a journalist more-or-less on the left is uncomfortable/unwilling to frame his work with an overarching theory of society or history, the way similar scribes did in the 19th or 20th century? The reasons are long and complex, and I hope to get into this another time. (For what it's worth, Salon's Laura Miller, a critic I like a lot, praises the book because it "pointedly refrains from making sweeping polemical arguments about 'what’s gone wrong.'... In a culture in which everyone is perpetually shrieking their political opinions, it’s hard to convey just how refreshing this is.")
For now, let me acknowledge Brooks' criticism, but assert whole-heartedly that The Unwinding is an incredible piece of work, something that everyone who wants to understand the crisis in America today should pick up pronto.
Postscript: As a reader, and an Angeleno, I am disappointed that Rachel Kushner's The Flame Throwers, a captivating novel about the New York art scene and '70s Italy, did not take the fiction prize. Both of Rachel's novels (The Other is Telex From Cuba) have been greeted with great acclaim (I am lucky enough to have written about both of them), she is as sharp a person as we know, and here at The Misread City we are confident that she will live to write and fight again.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Digging the New Dean Wareham
DESPITE our well-documented bias for things West Coast, the Misread City gang has a deep and abiding love for the work of Dean Wareham going back to the Galaxie 500 and Luna eras. The day after seeing Luna on its first US tour (opening for the Sundays, if memory serves, and before the first LP), we walked to the local record store in Chapel Hill to pick up the band's Slide EP. (It was what we imagine kids in the '50s used to do.)
Dean -- whose roots are in Australia and New Zealand and whose early bands were based in Boston and New York -- has recently moved to Los Angeles. He's also just released his first solo record, an EP called Emancipated Hearts. (Check out the track called Air.) We spoke to Dean about his new work, the state of the music business, and his feelings for California.
Dean Wareham plays Thursday night at Largo at the Coronet, one of LA's best clubs. We'll be there. Here's our Q & A with him.
You’ve been
in a number of semi-famous indie bands – Galaxie 500, Luna, Dean & Britta –
and are now releasing what I take to be your first solo recording. How is it
different from leading a band, and is it strange feeling to be on your own?
To tell you the truth it still feels like a band effort,
these are musicians I have been playing with for some years now: Britta
Phillips on bass and Anthony LaMarca on drums, and augmented on this mini-LP by
producer Jason Quever, who played keyboards and electric guitar. So anyway,
technically yes it’s a “solo” release because it says so on the front of the
record. I’m doing all the singing, and I write all the lyrics and melodies, but
I depend on those around me to help figure out the arrangements.
That’s not so different from how I’ve been recording my whole
career. Perhaps the difference was at the mixing stage, Jason Quever mixed it,
and I was there too, but we didn’t have a whole band sitting behind him making
comments. Last night the four of us had a rehearsal at Jason's studio in San
Francisco and the band sounds really good, both on the new songs we recorded
together but also on the Galaxie 500 and Luna songs we are doing.
You’re known for songwriting, but you’ve always had a great knack for
covers – Wire’s Outdoor Miner, Jonathan Richman, Sweet Child of Mine, and so
on. What makes a song right for you to play, besides, you know, liking it?
Picking covers is hit and miss. Just because I love a particular
song does not mean I can pull it off vocally. I covered
"Distractions" by Bobby Darin, a sly anti-war song from his folk
period. But my rendition was not quite successful. Nor was Luna's rendition of
"Dancing Days" by Led Zeppelin, though at least there is a bit of
comedy in my singing that. Anyway I do look for songs that are
under-appreciated, lost even.
One of my favorite tracks on here is the digital-only number, Living Too
Close to the Ground, an Every Bros song significantly less well-known that,
say, Cathy’s Clown. How did you stumble upon this one and what made it seem
right for you?
The Everly Brothers are amazing, first for their rhythm guitar
playing (and this is more evident in the ‘50s songs), but there is also this
‘60s period where they recorded a number of great albums for Warner Brothers,
albums that didn’t do well at radio (at least in the States, they were more popular
in England). They were probably out of fashion, but they kept making records.
“Living Too Close to the Ground” I think was written by their bassist (though
I’m not positive about that, I’ve read a couple different things); anyway it is
a great lyric and their recording is haunting and weird. I’m happy with how
mine turned out too — there’s a delicious slide guitar solo in there — played
by Jason.
You’ve written in your memoir Black Postcards one of the best assessments of the shift from the label era of the ‘80s
and ‘90s to our current post-Napster musical universe. Lots of raging debate
right now on Pandora, piracy, the joys of going it alone with Kickstarter, etc.
Be brief if you like, but how are you enjoying our brave new world?
I didn’t quite realize as I was writing my book, that it was
about something that was disappearing, a world of compact discs and tour
support and even indie labels giving healthy advances to bands. The book ends
in 2005, since then of course many more changes. Back then it was the early
days of piracy (or filesharing), now people are just as concerned about
streaming.
As you say, there have been some interesting discussions online
lately, David Lowery arguing that the internet revolution has been terrible for
musicians, and others writing about the dangers of Spotify — and on the other
side Dave Allen, formerly of the Gang of Four, arguing that “the internet
doesn’t care” and that we are simply in a transitional phase between
technologies, with new markets being formed. Maybe that's true; certainly
the old marketplaces are disappearing and we can see that with our eyes. Dave
Allen also points to artists like Amanda Palmer and Trent Reznor and says
they’ve got it figured out -- so what’s wrong with the rest of us? Which sounds
like an updated bootstrap argument to me, something Dickens would make
fun of. We hear similar thoughts from Thomas Friedman, that if we can
continually reinvent ourselves and learn new technologies, we’ll be fine.
At any rate there have always been challenges, being a recording
artist or musician has never been a very reliable job. I know the 1990s were
good times for the music business as a whole, it was a golden age where they
convinced everyone to replace their vinyl collection with compact discs, how
great was that? And if your band had a hit at radio, then maybe you did
well.
It is an interesting time to be in a band; there are certain
advantages — it’s cheaper than ever to make recordings and distribute them all
over the world, via the miracle of Internet and social media. It's easier than
ever to reach your audience. The problem now is it’s more difficult to sell music.
We hear a lot that music should be free. Sure, it should be free, and so should
health care and education, and recording studios, and my rent should be
controlled too. But unfortunately we don't live in that world.
You moved to Los Angeles earlier this year. What’s it like for a longtime
New Yorker, originally from down under, to land in California? What do you like
here and what do you miss about the East?
I lived in Sydney, Australia, from age 7 to 14. I only know
Sydney from a child’s perspective, but Los Angeles reminds me of that city —
the sprawl, the perfect weather, the Eucalpytus and Jacaranda trees. I have
only been here six months but Los Angeles certainly has its charms, its rich
history, good food, plenty of culture. But I miss some of the freedom of New
York, where it is much easier to go out at night, easier to wander the streets
or ride a bicycle. Life in Los Angeles, as John Cassavetes said, is life by
appointment. But the truth is I spend most of my time at home, avoiding
traffic, playing guitar, running my record label, making sure the social media
is updated — pulling myself up by my bootstraps.